Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
