How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
