Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
