she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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