I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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