the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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