sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
