Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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