took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
