Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize