I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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