WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
