Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
