Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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