Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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