The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
