take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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