there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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