i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
