It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
