I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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