I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
