I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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