wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Shame is for Republicans.
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