I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
