dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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