i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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