When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
