Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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