She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
