you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
