also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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