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I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You made out with two different species that night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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