This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
