Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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