your parents love me but you hate me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
