I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
