Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
