you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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