it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You are a genius and a whore.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
