carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i love accidental penises.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
