the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
