i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
