I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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