Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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