His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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