No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
