Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
