Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
