38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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