I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
