Moan for me like Helen Keller
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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