Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize