he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
