I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize