Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
