I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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