I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
it glows. i had to have it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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